The music tracks that arbitrarily came on had simple reflective lyrics but this morning I heard them clearer to the point of feeling the need to write them down and frame them, stare at them and loose myself in the meaning.
I begin to clean up, pack to visit the queen of hearts on the Eastside of town, do laundry and go to my fun winery job. After 4 days of being sick my head felt clearer and I was renewed with a deeper appreciation for the mundane.
I load up my car and am on my way. It's a 20-30 min drive but I hardly remember it. About 5 minutes in as I'm smoothly staying with traffic my chest caves and contracts and I feel a deep ache in my gut powered by worry. I began to see flashes of my death.
I saw myself sick. The queen of hearts caring for me and even after I died and her and the white rabbit finding this will I wrote a while back amongst my belongings. I pulled out of the trance to jot down in my memory perhaps I should reread and update that.
And next my current life choices flashed before my eyes as if I was just told I won't live much longer. Would I change anything? Who would I want to spend time with? What would I have time for?
My first answer to these questions clear as day is that I wouldn't change a thing. I would go to my busy stressful job and continue everything as it is and I justified this choice by saying I didn't want to let people down that I made some what of a promise too and that I'd grown to appreciate.
Suddenly I was at the queen of hearts palace and as always the house smells of bacon and other delightful breakfast foods. We chat small chat catching up and head to our pedicure appointments I had scheduled and promised to her for months ago.
Things appeared crisper visually but I still couldn't hear out of my left ear left over residuals from being sick. The pedi was perfect I hadn't gotten one in a while and was so in need of the nurturance.
I get black nail polish cause I always get either black, dark blue or gray on my toes. But then I had her put a light coat of these rainbow line fleck sparkles over. I thought they looked like "warp speed." The place was great a new favorite pedi place.
While getting my nails done I'm texting the mad hatter who is inspiring deep contemplating questions by using scifi movie quotes and references. It sparks a contemplation of the day challenge: what emotion is the stickiest for you? Like hulk and his anger or magneto and his rage... Further more, what's the balancer to that and how do u find the "sweet spot" of all experiencing and all powerful control of it?
The queen of hearts dropped me off at work, which flew by with small talk all day except this one couple who kept talking over each other. I was amazed at how well they could finish each others thoughts and literally talk at the same time saying the exactly same thing different ways... So tweedledee and tweedledum of them.
While at work the mad hatter popped in unannounced and startled me. He was dashing as ever and could tell he would have loved to whisk me away for some tea time. This left me completely frazzled and unable to think straight. So I pushed thru the fluttering heart beats, the shortness of breath, the scattered thoughts, like he had control over the puppet strings of my emotions.
I didn't want the mad hatter to know or anyone for that matter that I felt some sort of odd and wondrous feeling toward him. He dashes off almost as quick and he popped in and I was relieved after some conscious and steady breathing and a person pep talk.
When I finished work the queen of hearts, the most glorious of lovers in the land picks me up and chariots me to my massage. After 2 really bad massages from this place I was expecting the worst and hoping for anything better. As soon as the therapist laid her hands on me I fell into a state of serenity. She twirled and swirled her strokes all over my body and I had only wished that it didn't have to end.
My eyes were glazed over and I was relaxed into a state of "mush." Like imagine yourself bathing in perfect temperature mash potatoes only without all the mess. The queen of hearts suggest we get get a boba, which is tapioca and frozen yogurt, she knows exactly how to make my heart swell. We head back to her palace for a real dinner and I catch a nap while its being prepared.
Dinner was simple and elegant. Coconut crusted black cod with a raspberry pecan salad. We dive deep into expansive conversation with the contemplation... What emotion is the one that gets u stuck the most? What's the balancing emotion? And where is the sweet spot? The very question the mad hatter and I were pondering earlier.
The white rabbit stopped over for dinner as well who confessed insecurity. The queen of hearts humbly admitted fear. I responded with frustration and impatience. We responded to each others trying to assist in discovering the other side to that sticky emotion on the coin. For the queen of hearts we said her love and passion could help guide her. For the white rabbit she needed to be brave, bold and remember what really matters isn't what others think its how she feels. And in response to mine they suggested patience and relaxing.
We sit down to watch a movie the queen of hearts choose for our evening. By the title the movie misaligned with the very nature of the queen of hearts, "Warm Bodies," a zombie movie. Zombies are dead and don't usually have functioning hearts so we thought it was going to be a train wreck movie. But being the queen of hearts guests, we respected her selection, got cozy and watched it.
To our surprise, 10 minutes into it we were enthralled by the complexity of this so called zombie movie. Spoiler alert: the movie cleverly utilized the zombie apocalypse scenario to help demonstrate, enlighten, enrich and bring conscious to the mundane choices that affect our daily lives.
Praise the queen of hearts for her brilliant selection that was not only enjoyable but congruent to our dinner conversation. Without feelings and emotions you are just a zombie. The movie further catapulted me down the rabbit hole of contemplation.
I wrote on a page the following sticky emotions to trance how they connect thru the experiences I've had; forgiveness, impatience, anger, frustration, gripping, pride, fear, hate and contentment. A cluster of emotions... How do they connect? Pride!
I have a strong sense of pride, it propels me in all that I do and keeps me honest and task oriented. But the shadow is it's hard for me to let things go. Like the visions I received earlier in the day. Would my life end soon? Really it doesn't matter as long as the days to come are spent like today with my wondrous curiosity to harness if only for a moment at a time the complex intrinsic beauty of life. May the rabbit hole be ever deeper than my imagination...
The final adventured was into the darkness of dreams where I'm sure deaths grips will fight for my soul but hopefully I'll win another day of odd and wondrousness in wonderland.